Summary notes from Official Version of 9/11 Commission Report (not)

Summary notes from Official Version of 9/11 Commission Report (not really)

The Official Version of 9/11 (Onion Report) goes something like this...

Terrorist events in the United States occurring on September 11th, 2001 were orchestrated by an (ex-CIA financed) bearded-guy from some cave in Afghanistan somewhere. He completely brainwashes nineteen hard-drinking, coke-snorting, devout Muslims who enjoy lap dances, and cavorting with women generally to take flight training classes using small prop planes before their mission to meet Allah...

Despite there being questionable evidence that several of the 19 named hijackers were even on these flights, using nothing more than craft knifes (box-cutters), they overpower cabin crew (even before a simple distress code can be entered), passengers and pilots on four planes...

And hangovers or not, they manage to give the world's most sophisticated air defense system the slip...

Unphased by leaving their “How to Fly a Passenger Jet” guide in the car at the airport, they master the controls in no-time and manage to score direct hits on two towers, causing THREE to collapse completely...

Then, defying the known laws of physics, perform a feat of (Red Baron-like) acrobatic genius hitting the Pentagon perfectly and leaving virtually no visual or physical evidence of any kind.

Having the foresight to leave a last will and testament in a conveniently placed bag on a bench in the airport lobby, Mohamad Atta and 18 others are all fingered in record time with photos appearing on TV within hours.

Meanwhile, George W. is reading to schoolchildren in Florida, Bush Sr. and the Bin Laden family (also in NY), watch events unfold from the comfort of the conference screens as Cheney was making some last minute phone calls in the bunker.

Now, after 8 long years (whereby millions of people worldwide have relinquished their basic civil liberties and freedoms), trillions of dollars, and hundreds of thousands of troops committed to the effort, we unfortunately report Osama’s cave can’t be found.